Saturday, July 28, 2012

Tossing and Turning

I, like thousands of others, am having a bit of trouble with insomnia.  Throughout my entire life, there has been a night here or there when I had trouble sleeping.  However, insomnia on a regular basis set in pretty much right after some major female surgery I had at the end of last year.  I will attribute my middle-of-the-night wakefulness to hormones I guess, but whatever the cause, I've been frustrated.

Here's how it goes on a typical night:  I go to bed somewhere around 11:00 or 11:30 PM. Sometimes right before I turn the light off I read a bit.  I try to do all the things that the sleep specialists say to do - no laptops, TV, or cell phoning in the bedroom, no caffeine after 3:00 PM, etc. blah, blah, blah.  Typically I fall easily asleep.

I sleep deep and well until usually about 2:30 AM, and then I am suddenly wide awake.  What wakes me up?  I dunno.  Next I begin a series of tossings and turnings that go on for about the next hour and a half to two hours.  I turn from side to side trying in vain to go back to sleep and becoming more frustrated by the minute.  What is there to do about this?

My mind usually at this point goes into overdrive thinking about EVERYTHING and trying to solve all the problems of my small world.

I am not unlike all the other mothers of this world,  and I start thinking of my immediate family members:

I'm thinking about my husband who came through a bout of prostate cancer several years ago, and who badly wants to retire so we can travel together more and see all this great country has to offer.

I'm thinking about my oldest daughter Rachel and her family.  They are trying hard to save money to buy their first home, and also dreaming of the time soon when they hope to take their 6 year old twin daughters to see the princesses at Disney World.

I'm thinking about my second daughter Lindsay and her family.  Lindsay has suffered with a resistant thyroid cancer for the last 7 to 8 years and her fight goes on.  Her husband Todd is very loving, and he supports her through all her tests and treatments.  The difficulty of their battle with cancer has been lightened by the joy accompanying the birth one year ago of their sweet little girl, Ellie.  Ellie's older brother is awesome too and we love him.

I'm thinking about my third daughter Sarah and her husband who have lost two pregnancies in the last year, the last one requiring emergency surgery.  Their fertility issues continue, and are complicated by the fact that Sarah has Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I'm thinking about my youngest child, son Caleb, who is doing all the preliminary testings, paperwork, and applications to become a warrant officer aviator in the United States Army.  His dream is to fly Apache helicopters in the service of our country.

All together, these things are heavy on my mind.

I'm not bearing my heart here in order to complain.  I truly believe every family has its share of hard things to deal with and these are just ours.  Many families have way more difficulties and sadnesses than ours.  But.  And here's the deal.  I have fought against this sleeplessness way too long.

Finally, in the last week or so, I have made some peace with my insomnia - I might as well embrace it and go with it. I will use my few awake hours each night to do what needs to be done.  I will pray.  I will plan.  I will pray more.  I will dream.  I will pray some more.  I will remember all the good things that are worth remembering.  I will pray again.  I will look forward to all the good things ahead.  I will relax about the fact that I am not sleeping.  I will pray.  I will listen to the snoring and gurgling coming from my husband beside me and smile.  By then, I will probably be gently slipping off into slumber again.

I truly have so much to be thankful for.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE that last "pic" - too funny. And you said this very well. I think most Moms [well, women in general with children or not] have these same thoughts and fears. And they can keep us awake.

    I like your plan and it being full of prayer. I have tried that [God KNOWS I have tried that] but my prayer usually goes something like a bargaining chip, as in "Okay God, if you just let me fall asleep in the next 30 minutes so I can get at least 4 hours of sleep I PROMISE to go to confession this week. Because, like, I know you're too busy for little ol' me right now" - And I know we shouldn't get angry or threaten God, but my prays start to get to that dark side where I finally understand where the "So help ME GOD" line actually comes from. heehee

    This can go on for a couple of days until acceptance finally settles in and I blissfully pass out where I am sitting. giggle In fact Pooldad told me I fell asleep mid sentence tonight. I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep, sitting up with the dog in my lap. I am going to be a peach in church, in oh....about 5 hours.

    I am luckier than most Mom insomniacs tho' - I don't work outside the home, so I can sleep when I am able to and my family is extremely accommodating so I don't worry too much that they may starve while I am out during dinner. Let them eat cake! ::wink::

    I hope you were able to fall asleep tonight. And if you find anything else that works, besides meds or prayer - please let me know. God will thank you. ::grin::