Monday, July 2, 2012

Fear For Your Life At Wal-Mart on a Friday!

It was a harrowing experience!  I went to Wal-Mart on a recent Friday, and I have decided to avoid that at all costs in the future!  It's dangerous there on a Friday!!!

Here's how it all went down that fateful day.  I pulled into the parking lot, which was busier than usual but I thought nothing of it.  Wal-Mart looked the same as it did every other time I was there.

The illusion is that all looks normal.
There were the typical few boondocking campers in the lot.

And obviously, the Amish horses and buggies had already come and gone.

"Road apples"
It seemed to be business as usual at the local Wal-Mart Supercenter.  However, a few things were a bit off, and I should've taken the hints and high-tailed it out of there.

This is my first clue that this adventure will be tricky.
The first HAPPENING of danger occurred in the laundry detergent aisle.  I saw a very large man run full speed up behind a young woman and take her down to the ground using a full football style tackle, kinda like this:

My adrenaline and judo / jujitsu instincts were swiftly kicking into gear, until I realized that they were both laughing and obviously knew each other, and that she wouldn't be needing my or any other help.  But what kind of public place is this?  Where a person is tackled in the aisle of a high traffic department store?  

I walked around the corner to see the next baffling and ridiculous display of humanoid behavior, right in one of the main walkways through the store.  A scruffy young man was standing up on the seat of one of the motorized handicap scooters, scratching his armpits and crotch and making ape noises, trying to attract the attention of a young lady down the aisle about 15 yards away.  Um, yeah.  I'm always flattered when men do that.  Makes me wanna run right up to the that monkey and ride off with him into the Wal-Mart sunset on the back of his handicap scooter.  Also made me want to give him a piece of my mind but I don't want to waste any of it like that  scream.

 What ever happened to socially acceptable behavior in public places?  The young man was not mentally challenged, he was just behaving ultra poorly, and had absolutely no concern that he was being an arse.

When I didn't think it could get any worse, I came upon a "traffic jam" in the flip-flop aisle.  Two unbelievably humongous humans on scooters were jammed in a deadlock, one going each way.  They were both immense.
Like this.  Really.  
Clearly, it was time to get myself out of there.  There was gonna be no flow of traffic down that aisle any time soon.  No flip-flops for me, either.

I'm tellin' you, Wal-Mart is a bizarre and dangerous place on a Friday!  

I paid for my stuff and hightailed it out of there.  Just when I thought I was safe, I noticed one of these racing down my parking lane full bore, like making a getaway.  I almost had to dive off to the side of the road, like you see sometimes in the movies.  (Maybe I was in a movie, it was all almost too bizarre to believe.)
Dunbar armored money truck
Anyway, here's my advice to you:

Enter Wal-Mart at your own risk on a Friday.

I won't be doing it again any time soon!

1 comment:

  1. love it. made my monday morning.