I'm contacting you two whole days before THE BIG NIGHT, just so you will have plenty of time to remind the neighbors and other grownups to be all good and ready when we come trick or treating.
Now God, can you please speak very loud and clear to them so they get it right this year when we come and ring their doorbells. As you know, last year they didn't hear you exactly right, and well, you know what that means.
In case you have forgotten, God, I would like to remind you of all the important details, so that you can remind them, so that we can
First God, let's talk about this business of handing out apples, or even oranges. My parents have told me scary stories about bad people years ago putting razor blades in apples and then giving them to small children. Perhaps you should just nix in every adult's mind the thought of even putting a piece of fruit into the bag. I know fruit is healthy and all, but don't you think it's just not worth the risk?
And God, could you please work it out so none of our neighbors gets it in his head to hand out those gross popcorn balls. Especially not the store bought ones, but really not any of them. Nobody wants them. You can't even trade ten of them for one good item, they're that bad.
Oh, and along with the popcorn balls, can you eliminate those nasty packs of cheese crackers? Those are meant for old people to put in their lunch boxes.
Now God, in case you've forgotten, let me remind you what works best, so the neighbors can enjoy themselves the most by making us trick or treaters the happiest. It boils down to this:
Twizzlers, red and brown are best
Milky Way candy bars, the larger size
Packages of swedish fish, the large packs not the small ones, but either the large fish or the small ones are fine
Kit Kats, the larger size
Skittles, but definitely not those mini boxes
M & M's, plain or peanut are fine
Good and Plenty's, the large box
Between you and me, God, I think this is gonna be a great Halloween. Especially if you do the reminding, which I am pretty sure you will do, since you love me so much.
Thanks for all your help, and I look forward to
Your wonderful little friend,
me (you know who)